Gitmo 2.0 – a kindler and gentler place to beat the crap out of terrorists

Here’s someone with a good idea of how to deal with Guantanamo – “fix it!”. Of course, “fixing it” means making it more pleasant for the inmates, which we all know is the primary goal of prisons, especially military prisons.

All sarcasm aside, Rep. Hastings hasn’t elaborated yet on how he would “fix” Gitmo, other than to stop all the so-called “torture” that’s being done there.  I’m betting that any plan pushed forward by liberals would include pillows – lots and lots of pillows.  After all, it’s inhumane to let someone sleep without pillows – they might get a sore neck.  Oh, and footrubs – don’t forget the footrubs.

Here’s my plan.

  1. Bacon.  Lots of bacon.  Bacon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
  2. Unleavened bread – secretly soaked in guess what?  Bacon grease!
  3. Porno.  Lots of porno.  Constant repeated showings of porno.  And not the good kind either – only the poorly-directed East-German kind with the mean mustachio’d women and the unfortunate surprises.
  4. Surprise lard-showers from above when they aren’t looking.
  5. And to clean up from the lard showers – lard-based soap.
  6. Frequent visits by Clay Aiken, Brittney Spears, and Paris Hilton.  I don’t think I need to explain why.
  7. Alternating visits by BYU students and Jehovah’s Witnesses, who are allowed to go cell-to-cell to talk to the prisoners “about God”.

Now, who could complain about a prison with those kind of amenities?

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